Famously in the Divine Comedy and of course according to wikipedia (the holy site of all internet knowledge), hell existed as an underworld with each level representing mankind's sins. As I watched Vanderpump Rules, I realized that like the narrator's journey, I am being lead through the Inferno. Is it the loves and pains of a young group of 20somethings as they find their way through the world of entertainment? Perhaps with a bit of personal enlightenment? No, it's pure nihilism. They learn nothing. They believe nothing. Shit, Jean Paul Sartre would reject it all as being overly bleak. Watching it is not just a personal hell of my own creation but a literal hell that threatens to consume all of creation. Ok, that's an exaggeration, but just barely. PS. If you question my categories, you are committing blasphemy.
First is Stassi. She can be quite an asshole but she is so catty and mean with such fabulous little zingers that I can't be mad. She's going to be Beatrice, the idealized woman, because she's like a snark angel. But man, her friends are terrible. Stassi, we seriously need to talk. Seriously. You could EASILY hang out with a much better crowd where you can hone your craft. In fact, if you just randomly chose a group of people on the street to befriend, I am guessing, your happiness would increase exponentially.
First Circle of Hell: Limbo for those who are not truly wicked: Tom Schwartz--despite his penchant for spilling beers on women in fits of anger and for dating Katie, he seemed redeemable mainly because he doesn't seem to have the stomach for the endless drama bullshit machine nor does he seem like a guy who spent long afternoons waxing and shining his chest. But man, dude, Katie. And you have a video where you suck her toes. Ugh, run now before you become one of the damned.
Second Circle of Hell: Lust—these carnal malefactors. Jax would seem on the surface as someone who would be much deeper in the bowels of hell but let's be honest. His sin is being too shallow and vain. He screws women simply because he would like to screw them. He lies to Stassi (our holy angel) simply because, like a young boy with his hand in the cookie jar, he is caught in a pre-conventional stage of moral reasoning where he only fears punishment. He is what they call a pussy hound and while he can't be trusted, to imply a depth of sinning, implies a depth that is simply not there.
Third Circle of Hell: Gluttony— Scheana. I almost put Scheana in limbo here but I resisted. That girl seems a bit like a glutton for punishment. Yes, she slept with Brandi's ex husband (Eddie Cibrian, man, he'd be perfect on this show. He's handsome, he has few morals and he is wooden as hell. Uses lots of hair products. I totally read Brandi's book. I know everything about that motherfucker). She brought up beer-gate at the table in Cabo causing another fight. She refused to ride in the van with the girls. Now, sure, they can be assholes but damnit, Scheana, you don't go to Cabo and then go in the boys' van unless you are looking for them to be total jerks all weekend. Stop doing this to yourself.
Fourth Circle: Greed—Lisa Vanderpump. I am not sure this shouldn't be a lower level of hell but yes. Lisa, I loved you and your accent and your dry sense of humor and your dog. But you know, like any reality person, you can overplay your hand. By both introducing us to a place, whose name is an acronym for "Sexy Unique Restaurant" and to the staff, chosen for their "looks" with photoshoots, waitress uniforms that look like Ed Hardy for her and now this reality show, you have overplayed your hand. PULL BACK. And focus more on Jiggy. Maybe a nice steakhouse where you can take your dog is in order?
Fifth Circle: Wrath—Kristen Given that Kristen's primary job is to cry and to constantly yell into her cell phone about how angry she is about Ariana, I think she waitresses less and is wrathful more. She bullies Scheana (not allowing her to share a drink with them when they went to Cabo and being the person driving the Mean Girls shit the most, more than Katie, who is just a mess and Stassi, who just wants adoration). She constantly yells at and emotionally abuses her boyfriend—whom she just needs to break up with instead of being all paranoid and crying that he might be cheating. He is cheating. He told you. You guys aren't having sex and rather than spending your nights crying outside of work, get your shit together. Jesus. Some people.
Sixth Circle: Heresy—Frank Frank was a bit of a drive by douche and dating Queen Stassi for a hot minute last season. His moment of heresy came up when he sat down with Stassi's dad and cracked a smile and at his urging, said of course he's a republican. Why would he be a democrat? WHY IN THIS AGE and with his relatively low earnings in an expensive area? Ugh. Go away with your supply side economics and that wish that your white boy, jerkwad identity will one day allow you to oppress others. In fact, unless you are basically rich and like Dick Cheney (ie Darth Vader), you are voting against your own interests.
Seventh Circle: Violence-Bravo I'm not sure how much I have to explain it but you know, I liked the Real Housewives for a couple of seasons, even forgiving you for DC. But there is a point where you are committing an act of violence against your viewers for shows like this offshoot of RHOBH. It's taking people without enough career ambition, emotional control or maturity to be on the Real Housewives (which is full of vapid,angry people) and foisting it on the audience. And you never had another season of NYC Prep. You total bastards.
Eight Circle: Fraud—Tom Sandoval. TOM SANDOVAL. Fucking Tom. You know what this picture depicts? Tom got into a fight and "had no idea why" he took his top off. He also perpetually talks about what a bitch his girlfriend is, meanwhile the amount of women he cheats on her with keeps expanding. Damnit Tom, with the amount of spray tan and chest waxing, you are already suspect but you add goddamned cheating? It's obvious you guys have no sex life because you talk about it all the time. Just fucking leave her. You don't have to constantly pretend to be something you aren't. Especially when you whip your shirt off. I'm in pain from eye rolling. Look what you've done to me. Fucking Tom.
Ninth Circle-Treachery-Katie Katie, I'm not gonna talk about that dye job (but man, shoot your colorist). You know that friend that has to tell you stuff about your boyfriend and your friends or family when they are drunk? Most of it is heresay but they are telling you "deep truths" that will really help you because they are concerned? Katie is that friend and that shit is treacherous behavior. CRIMES AGAINST THE STATE. Because they are just shit-stirring and causing conflicts in your life, needlessly and for no benefit other than to satisfy their own needs. Katie, you don't need to tell Kristen that her boyfriend may have cheated with Ariana when you don't know and all you have done is pile shit on to a shit island. Good job.
That concludes our descent into hell. Join us next week as we attempt to decide whether there exists a level of objective evil and whether that objective evil will in fact join the Real Housewives of Orange County cast next season
(images from Bravo.com)