I was kept awake for about an hour and a half last night by the on and off blaring of a car siren. I live in a major metropolitan area, this is not unheard of. Annoying? Yes. Frustrating? Yes. But not unheard of.
When I called the city to report it, the line continued to ring for several minutes with no sign of getting picked up, so I closed the windows, put on the AC, and went back to sleep. This is the fate of a person sharing a hometown with 2.7 million other people. Sometimes you have to deal.
I went to leave a note on the car this morning on my way to the train, because frankly with four of the eight streets nearest near me blocked off for construction, it's a pretty safe bet that the person who drives the sage green Hyundai Accent 2-door hatchback with the pink pool noodles velcroed to the bumpers in the shape of smiles to fend off dings (I am so not even kidding right now) may not live close enough to have heard the alarm going off.
When I got there, I discovered someone had beat me to it! About to pocket my missive and get myself bleary-eyed to the train, I glanced at the other note and did a bit of a...well, a distressed and awkward dance of second hand embarrassment. It was on a piece of paper towel* with what appeared to be Green Bay Packer duct tape holding it to the window.** The note had approximately a billion percent more swearing than necessary, as well as both threatening and defaming the poor Hyundai. Let's take a look, shall we?
That first bit, before the comma? That's pretty standard. So's the next part of the sentence, though the author may have wanted to clarify that the car alarm went off all night. I'm not sure how a car, piece of shit or otherwise, could go off all night.
But then, there's a lot of stuff about poop. Like, way more about poop than there needs to be. Why is the first threat to come to mind that the writer will take a dump on the windshield? Was that done to him/her at some point? Really, it seems more like you'd be begging to get a ticket or arrested yourself, first for indecent exposure and second for damage of private property, since folks in my neighborhood are pretty likely to call the cops when a car alarm is going off that much.
And then there's the thing about the car being a pile of dog shit. Again, lots of shit going on here. I mean, I'm not judging. Whatever you're into, as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult. But the shit obsession feels like it's a bit much, almost like the author is imposing their scat kink on us, the readers.
I couldn't leave the note there for the Hyundai's owner to find. I couldn't unleash that kind of vitriol on a stranger. Maybe it's because I'm from (and still live in) the Midwest. Maybe it has something to do with the way I was raised.
But I doubt it. I became damn near homicidal on Saturday when, on my way to a wedding, I hit 57 red lights out of 71 lights total that I had to make it through. What should have been a 45 minute trip at the most took me nearly double that, and I was ready to go Mad Max and start ramming other people's vehicles by the time I finally got there. And I think the amount of snark I'd get were I to suggest that my family taught me to ignore or even worse pander to bullshit behavior might actually form a neutron star, it would be so massive.
But I don't understand this note, or the place where it came from. Why the hell would I wish for a stranger, one who in all likelihood had no idea what was going on last night, get hit by a bus, which would inevitably ruin the commute of hundreds of others, too? Also, in what universe is being a cock sucker still considered an insult? People, by and large, enjoy people that suck cocks, and in that spirit I just can't find an interpretation of that word that would be an insult. What's with the rabid need to crap all over another person's day (figuratively, but with a literal threat of crap to back it up) for something that they really had no direct role in?
I'm no pacifist about random shit in my neighborhood. I've called cops on drunk Cubs fans flinging themselves against cars to set off alarms; I've put full trashcans upside down in their owners' backyard after they were left out in the middle of the street for three weeks after repeated reminders to remove them; I've even subsequently tied said trashcans to said owners' garage doors when after months of notes, calls, face to face conversations and reports to the city they were still left out and repeatedly overturned by those same drunk Cubs fans. Vengeance is sometimes deserved.
But this was the first and only offense. I've seen this car before in the neighborhood, hard to forget those pink noodles, and there's never been an issue with its alarm. Now, if this was the second night in a row of an hour and a half of car alarms? Ok, swearing totally expected. The third? The fifth? That's when you call the tow truck.
In the mean time though, the note went in the trash (after going up on the internet because it amused me, of course). The kind of person that has a sage green 2-door Hyundai Accent hatchback with bright pink pool noodles shaped like smiles probably isn't the kind of person who needs to wake up to that. So, dear author of the paper towel-Packers duct tape note, take your pile of dog shit and go home.
*Who doesn't have ANY paper in their home?
**Only a Packers fan would be a jerk and ruin a window with duct tape residue. I guess the lack of paper makes sense now, given the relative education level of most Packers fans.***
***Hahah joke's on you I actually hate football.