I finally got cleared to start work and am starting tomorrow.
There are still some snags. HR waited too long to inform the hiring department for orientation today so I will have to do orientation on the 14th. Except I also need to do animal handling training (which I already know how to do) on the 14th. So I must go to orientation on the 22nd.
This is no problem. In order to start tomorrow without orientation, all I need is an employee number. In order to get an employee number, all I need is to show I am prepared to start work. In order to show I am prepared to start work, all I need is an employee health center (EHC) certificate. In order to get an EHC certificate, all I need is an employee number. In order to get an employee number... Hey, what the hell?
I hypothesized awhile ago this was not actually a hiring situation but rather an experiment to see how long they could give the runaround before I gave up. This is continued support for my hypothesis. They underestimate me. I will report to work tomorrow.