Look, fat people will tell you right away: every body hates fatties, and there's always some gadget or magic diet or panacea to fix what's ailin' us. There's belts (oh belts). There's bypass (oh bypass) but behold the modern Profattheus: See what our science has wrought!

The US Food and Drug Administration has approved a first-of-its-kind weight loss treatment device that electronically suppresses hunger.... Although the study did not meet its original en point of at least 10% more excess weight loss in the experimental group compared with the control group...

It might not, like, help —but it will help make some people a lot money, make many people feel sad and scared and allow for the world's portliest cyborg! One of the fastest ways to separate a fool from his or her money is to promise them separation of the fleshy parts of their bodies in return. I hope those scientists like fleeing to the Arctic. Even a frankenfattie needs meaning, love and companionship. Portlidice Regained!