Getting the best of you.
Getting the best of you.
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how to get ready in the morning like adultosaur.

1. have your mom wake you up from your weird ass dream about trying to get pregnant (!/Q?!?!!) at 6:57. for the next five minutes, check twitter, and lie about getting ready. tweet about terribad the show 'salem' is. try to get people to watch 'salem.'

2. die a little inside. actually put on clothes for the gym.

3. go to the gym. watch more salem on your phone while you scramble to do 15 minute miles. (succeed in 15 minute miles, making each one in like 14 min and 56 seconds. consider yourself cheetah-fast.) think about how more people need to watch salem, and how bad it is.

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4. come home, and shower. realized there is STILL paint in your hair from last weekend. when you get out of the shower, realize there's still paint on your feet.

5. rush up the stairs naked and hope your stepdad stays in his man cave.

6. lie naked on your bed and tweet more about salem. wonder why no one else is watching it with you. DO NOT START GETTING READY UNTIL IT'S THE EXACT CORRECT TIME FOR YOU TO LEAVE FOR WORK. wear the pants you wore yesterday. don't brush your wet hair.

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7. pack up the lunch your mom made for you because you are a 28 year old child. realize it's corned beef and cabbage again because even though you put the chicken in the crock pot last night and turned it on, you did not plug it in. remind your mom that you are a genius.

8. drive to work, and drive fast, because you left like 15 minutes later than you should have.

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9. realize 5 miles from work you have forgotten to bring back the comic book your coworker lent you and asked for 5 days ago.

10. realize you didn't put on deodorant. swear loudly.

11. stop for coffee. BE SURPRISED WHEN THE PERSON IN FRONT OF YOU PAID FOR YOU!?

11a. five minutes after you drive away, realize that even though you chipped in for a bday present for your coworker, you should have paid for the person behind YOU. feel like an asshole.

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13. drive around your work parking lot looking for a spot near your door. do not find one.

14. realize when you get to work that the milk from the oatmeal your mom ALSO packed you has spilled EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! clean that up.

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15. work. or don't- read jezebel instead and be baffled that you have insane replies in a few hours. try to make sure you respond to everyone. panic about potentially missing someone and coming across like a b i t c h

16. take a work call. figure out the problem. announce to EVERYONE AROUND YOU that you are a genius. brush your hair as a reward to yourself. remember for the second time there is an insane amount of paint in your hair. balk at your coworkers suggestion that you cut the paint out.

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17. explain the concept of "princess hair" to your coworker. he will stop listening.

18. write about your morning on backtalk.

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