Hey Panda, you know, I've always tried to respect you, with your large claws and sharp teeth. But you know Panda, you kind of suck.

You just eat bamboo, which is so nutritionally inefficient that you have to spend your entire day eating just to stay alive even though you are supposed to be a carnivore. Supposedly you went high on the mountains into the bamboo forests to get away from people. Don't want to compete with those pesky humans, despite the aforementioned sharp claws? And it's not like you are worried about guns, right? You've been sitting around eating bamboo for millennia, long before guns and tanks and any reasonably bear destroying shit was invented. Oh no, you were afraid of large rocks and maybe furrowed brows and cave paintings and shit. I mean, you were really smart to run because none of those meat eating bears survived into modern times. YOU SHOWED THEM, RIGHT PANDA? Oh wait they all did survive? Eating meat? What do you have to say about that? Not so fucking smart, are you, Panda?

Now you are so chronically malnourished, you can barely afford to move around like all the other bears. You have a hard time reproducing. And then I hear that you don't even eat any type of fucking bamboo, even though your sluggish ass constantly needs to eat it. No, you are selective. It has to be from the right altitude. And just shoots? Seriously, Panda, what the fuck is wrong with you?


You are way too passive and the humans are noticing. They are too enchanted by you and your weird panda ass. They made you into some incompetent martial art cartoon animal. They had Hello Kitty dress up like you, apparently indicating that a fucking tiny little fucking white kitty who wears a bow isn't as cute and cuddly as you are.


This shit should end now and you have that power.

Go to a local village and fuck some shit up. You don't even have to kill anyone. Just hit up a local eatery and grab some meat on your way out. Not only would you no longer be fucking sluggish and exhausted all the time (maybe you'd be able to feed the cubs), you'd strike fear into everyone around you. Wouldn't that be a refreshing fucking change?


Get your shit together, Panda, you are embarrassing yourself in front of all the other fucking bears.

(pictures: Mike Blake/Reuters; Reuters/Kevin LaMarque; Sanrio.com)