Because I’m neurotic, I worry about a lot of stupid shit. Yes, yes, yes, I worry about relationships, my fucking finances, my cat and bullshit on the internet. But you know, then other fears creep up. Yes, when I learned about the grim end of the earth and the death of the sun as a child, I brooded over that shit for weeks. Fuck. REALLY. When I learned about the whole Universe ending Heat Death, it was like fuck? REALLY? A fucking sweater isn’t going to resolve that shit. Or the Big Crunch? Or about a million horrific ends to this universe and my fantasized immortal grandiosity. We won’t even get into climate change. We won’t even. Suffice it so say, I’m planning to move to Iowa, which will be the last glorious place when America turns into a hellscape.

So I have a lot of shit that I have to think about in general. And now I wake up and read this story? Really? The problem isn’t that the robots will necessarily be evil, it sounds like the problem is that they will be stupid or er, rather low intelligence A.I.


You know that means? We always fucking fantasized about superintelligent robots taking over and annihilating our poor asses. Sometimes we deserved it. Ok, we often deserved it. But occasionally, they just wanted to annihilate our poor asses because man, we just needed to fucking die.


I mean, some romantics fantasize about a future where they will be friends with wonderfully whimsical types like Data, who grows plants and has cats and cocks his head innocently, as if he wouldn’t just roll his eyes at our stupid meatbag asses, while coldly planning our demise.

But I don’t have that idea about our future. Robots won’t be evil, they’ll just be dicks. And not dicks like Dick Cheney. But stupid assholes who fuck up your good times with their drunken shit and their fighting. They start talking inappropriately. They break your stuff. They look at your tits. They talk about how awesome Nickelback is.


You know what they be like?

Fucking Eagles fans.

Yeah, the same kind of bitter fuckers that could not get past their shit one season and boo’d Santa Claus. And you can treat this like an anomaly but I live outside of Philadelphia. They haven’t changed. And that’ll be our future. Dominated by super-powerful, super-assholes, getting drunk with bad beer, fighting and generally, making the world a hellscape of prickishness.


Fuck, seriously, fuck the future. And fuck you, asshole robot.

Comic from Optipress.