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America, Meet the Underwhiteprivileged

Illustration for article titled America, Meet the Underwhiteprivileged

We have a problem, America. Among the poor, huddled masses yearning to breathe free, there's a community yearning a little more than the others, yearning for the attention and support they so obviously deserve. And that community is the Underwhiteprivileged.


You've never heard of the Underwhiteprivileged because that's just the kind of thing that would happen to the Underwhiteprivileged. People never take their problems seriously. Life is constantly dealing them a string of mediocre hands. For example, the Underwhiteprivileged receive a full house, when literally everyone else at the table of life has a royal flush.

If a person of lesser wealth does cross their path, the Underwhiteprivileged are quick to point out that the Underwhiteprivileged have actually worked hard to amass their possessions, unlike the Mercedes driving welfare queens. The Underwhiteprivileged don't moan about how hard life is either, at least not most of the time, and they don't ask for silly stamps of food. Life is hard for them. They may even have ancestors who were persecuted. But they persevere. Barely.


So what does being Underwhiteprivileged mean specifically? Not having ALL the benefits afforded to the richest of rich white people, like private jets, a pied-à-terre, or knowing what a pied-à-terre is. Their lives are hard, damn it. And you don't even seem to care.

Well, they've had enough, America. They've learned about privilege from Bill O'Reilly and Megyn Kelly, and they want more.


Without the insider connections everyone else has, the Underwhiteprivileged are left peddling their resumes to embarrassing corporate positions posted to online career sites. How pathetic. Even if they do get called in for an interview, they'll be battling against a sea of other applicants blessed with minority statuses. Do you not get it, America? Do you not see the unfair treatment?

The Underwhiteprivileged don't get into their first choice universities. Other kids always swoop in and take their places because they had the privilege of being born into a poor Black family. The Underwhiteprivileged are thus sentenced to a life firmly within the Middle Class, where none of Obama's good tax credits will ever apply.


So next time you think about supporting one of your social justice warrior causes, think about this: there are white people out there who don't have an iPhone 6. Not because they don't want one. But because they can't afford it. Can you live with yourself knowing that? I didn't think so.

Spread the word. Help save the #UnderWhitePrivileged.

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