Richard Nixon's Panda Sex Tips

One day Richard Nixon was talking to the Chinese Premier and he was worried—not about peace in our time but about Pandas. Fucking pandas. Or rather, pandas not fucking. He needed to act. He had ideas. He wanted to create an atmosphere. And he documented this conversation because well, paranoia. He was Richard Nixon after all!

Nixon: The problem with, uh—The problem, however, with pandas is that they don't know how to mate. The only way they learn how is to watch other pandas mate. You see?

Noyes: [laughs]

Nixon: And, so they're keeping them there a little while—these are younger ones—

Noyes: I see.

Nixon: —to sort of learn, you know, how it's done.

Noyes: Sure, learn the ropes—

Nixon: Now, if they don't learn it they'll get over here and nothing will happen, so I just thought you should just have your best reporter out there to see whether these pandas—

Noyes: Well, we certainly will—

Nixon: —have learned. So, now that I've given you the story of pandas let me let you get back to your more serious questions. [laughter]

I knew it. I KNEW IT. He did not tell a lie but he did tell a panda about what types of romantic environments that Pandas needs. Because let's be honest, Panda are pretty much the worst. Here is the audio where he is talking about Panda sex. And from the Snacktastic archive, Hey Panda—A guide to world's worst bear.

h/t John Cook's tweeter and