19 Kids and Counting: Erin Bates Gets Married Recap

So much toothiness. So much judgment. On this episode, the Duggars pack up their bags to see their BFFs, the Bates! Erin, who always looks dazed and slightly baked, will finally take that matrimonial plunge where they go from side hugging to full frontal nudity within one day. PRAISE JESUS! Jessa brings the boyfriend along for high jinx and good clean fun.

Preview: Now, we're back to talking about Jessa and Ben and everyone is all excited. Erin and her husband are also overly proud of never kissing before marriage. And there is another marriage in the future—hinted!!! It's a tease because they are referring to a younger Bates.

A little discussion about the Bates--they also have 19 kids and they are religious like the Duggars. They are discussing Erin and her courtship and how she is a role model for them all, in terms of her courtship being Christ Centered, with the family being involved.

Now to Jinger: As alluded previously, now that Jessa is courting she does not have the same family responsibilities (I'd want a LONG courtship then) and whereas she used to pack all the family's stuff and now that falls to Jinger. John David said that it was because Jessa was preoccupied and probably would forget stuff, because relationships makes you lose your brain. It's like pregnancy brain but instead, you give birth to a Quiverfull Marriage.

Joy Anna though doesn't have anyone pack for her though. I mean, fuck Jinger. Fuck her in the ear. And then the boys say that they'd be less responsibility, mostly packing donuts and shit. That'd be hilarious because when they got there, they'd be stuck wearing slim jims and Donuts for clothes and that is in no way modest.

Now onto the gag gift for Erin—she can't cook apparently and so Jill and the other girls put a gift together for her—it's hilarious because they'll put together some homemade cookbooks that are super easy. Jessa thinks it's mean because she's a bad cook. They have a real low threshold for meanness and I'm guessing that it's a lot bitchier than it sounds—like "here's how to boil an egg". They'll also buy her a fire extinguisher. HILARIOUS. Jessa is being judgy though. I called her smirky before. I call her smirky now.

Then they talk about how awesome courting is again because since no one puts out, if it doesn't work out, no harm no foul. Btw, Ben and his mom will be going to Erin Bates wedding. Why? To help advance the show's narrative. What's wrong with you? How could you not see that?

19 Kids and Counting: Erin Bates Gets Married Recap

At the Bates abode: Momma and Daddy Bates is planning the wedding. There will be a 1000 guests. WTF? Supposedly, Momma Bates hasn't started cooking the food? And they don't know exactly how many people will come—-and you thought the Duggars were procrastinators. This seems totally implausible. They are also frantically making their bridesmaid's dresses—there is one girl who is a wiz at that shit. Every family needs one good seamstress. Just one. And that's the person you exploit. For me that was my Grandma, but she's getting older. Damnit.

Erin is really pleased about being married but supposedly she cries about leaving her sisters.

Back to the Duggars: Ben is trying to be helpful. It's nice to see him help unlike Jessa who is "distracted" (more like—fuck this shit). The guys are doing jack shit as the women and Ben pack the bus. Those lazy bastards. It truly is a patriarchy. The girls do EVERYTHING. Why do they have teams and John David and Joshua don't? Sexism. Fucking sexism.

Ben and Jessa are now on the bus across from Jim Bob and Michelle and near all the other Duggars. They are now grilling Ben. Jessa looks appalled but Ben is cool as a cucumber and just says that he likes Jesus. Remember that guys—if a Duggar asks you a question? The right answer is Jesus. He also thinks Jessa is pretty but that's secondary especially when you are really just courting Jim Bob and his helmet hair.

19 Kids and Counting: Erin Bates Gets Married Recap

One of the daughters at the Bates house is Michael—I like that name for a girl. I think one of the Bangles was named Michael too. It's really masculine for a bunch of people obsessed about gender roles.

So Jessa excitedly introduces Ben to the bates. He resists asking, "Who is Master Bates?" Ben likes the Bates. He likes Jesus. He knows he's outnumbered. Also, Zach Bates is getting married really soon, which is good because he had a failed courtship that was previously highlighted on a past episode but no one ever discussed when and why the relationship didn't succeed.

And now to the prank gift. Jill thinks it's hilarious. So does Jana, who should just laugh and say that she thinks all this marriage stuff is bullshit. Erin laughs and looks embarrassed and they flash briefly to Jessa who gives a MAJOR SIDE-EYE to the whole thing. They also give her take out menus and such.

But Erin is like "THAT'S GREAT. THANK YOOOOOO" and they go see the dress. Jessa is probably thinking "I'm glad I'm making these bitches pack all the shit and do all my housework. Fuck them. I'M A GOOD COOK. FUCK THEM ALL." They all love the dress. It was on the clearance rack and in her size and only 249$. It was altered to make it modest—because modest is hottest. Only whores have bare arms. Jessa was pleased. That's what she's going to do to her wedding dress because your collarbone is reserved for your husband.

Erin and Chad is having a bit of a "fellowship" with Jessa and Ben to show them their new home. Jessa thought it was ADORABLE. It was adorable. Erin is like a tiny kitten dressed like a bear. Erin had a really really pink master bedroom. Jessa— seemed a bit judgy. She said it was "really pink" and smirked. Ben thought it was cool. He think it's all cool.

At the church—Michelle is decorating and basically takes a huge chunk out of the bannister in her clumsy attempt to decorate. Michelle. HOW DARE YOU WREAK HAVOC IN GOD'S HOUSE?

19 Kids and Counting: Erin Bates Gets Married Recap

So now it's up to John David to trash Erin and Chad's car—hilarious. Doing things like attaching the horn to the brakes or putting stinky cheese on their care which they did to Josh. Now they are getting vaseline and toilet paper for their shenanigans. They will also fill the car with mothballs and John David, the least expressive person known to man begins to laugh, as he said "Well Erin may want to pass that dress down and we're here to help."

Guys, you know what'd be really funny? Cutting the brakes. WOOO!

Now back with the Moms, they are now desperate putting together ham, pimento olives and cheese with toothpicks for the wedding. They really should have tater tots on sticks. That'd be Duggar Style. Now they are talking about how much harder it is to lose a daughter as opposed to gaining one.

Of course, Erin, bedecked in bright pink thinks that's bullshit. She tells her younger sister, she's not losing anything. Just gaining a new place to hang out. Carlin Bates calls Erin her best friend while Erin practices piano. Unlike the Duggars, she has actual musical talent.Jinger contemplates her future without Jessa, empathizing with Carlin and seeming remarkably un-sullen. It's weird to hear her talk.

Now they are decorating. They have a lot of blue flowers, which Michelle thinks is so fancy. She's never seen blue orchids. Everything is blue themed. It's a good thing because Chad will have to give up his dreams of having anything not pink and fluffy and bright. Even the bridesmaid's dresses are blue and the cloths on the table (under the white table cloths).

So, now onto the wedding. I thought they had a nice sentiment that they wouldn't have sides on the wedding because they are all one family joining together. That's something that is actually quite sweet.

The girls are working the wedding. Erin has like 8 sisters so she doesn't need a Duggar in her wedding party. Jana delivers a message from Chad and she squees because it smells so nice. And as she smiles and squeals about how sweet he is, Jana doesn't seem to be dying inside. She thinks they are "perfect." Jill said it was really fun to be her personal assistant and help her in her dress. Carlin is in full Gothard hair-roller mode. Erin is running around brushing her teeth and squealing. Chad looks a lot like Ben Seewald. There must be a factory making these guys.

Now Erin in her dress. SQUEE! A perfect dress. Everyone is squeeing. And glowing. And calling her a princess bride but not The Princess Bride because that's a PG movie and we won't stand for that. And Erin and Chad wanted to pray together but didn't want to see each other, so they did this:

19 Kids and Counting: Erin Bates Gets Married Recap

Kinky!

19 Kids and Counting: Erin Bates Gets Married Recap

And now the pictures and happy picture-taking and such. Jill and Jana are just so enchanted and shit and they pray with Erin right before she goes out because she's scared. And it is scary but way until Chad whips it out in that big pink room tonight!

Jim Bob thinks about giving away his daughter, being glad about the fact that at least if he had to give a daughter away, it's Jessa who is a dud anyway. Michelle gushes about seasons of life, as she always does. What is this season of life? I mean, Daniel Levinson wrote about it but I hardly think that is what they are referencing. Everything they talk about is something Gothardism. I'll have to investigate that soon.

We cut back from the commercial and it's right in the middle of the wedding. The Duggars are watching the parents hugging Chad and Erin. Michelle was right behind Ben and Jessa wondering what they were thinking—Jessa slips into a much stronger accent and says that she was observin' about what they were doin' and thinkin' "I like that" and then she mocked how Ben was all like "That's so sweet"—like a little girl. Jessa thinks that Ben and love in general is bullshit. She might be right. Ben likes the vows the most. Shut up, Ben.

NOW FOR THE KISS: Everyone is so enchanted that they waited to kiss so they can have the first one in front of a thousand people. Now for the first time—they go for it. Long frenchy kiss. HOW ROMANTIC. Ben and Jessa talk about how they'll do the same thing. PRAISE JESUS.

Now the guys trash the car! Have a nice wedding! Someone should write "FUCK YOU PANDA NUTS". That'd be a capper. John David said he was handcuffed because the car was rented and he could not do what he wanted.

Now everyone talks about Ben and Jessa and Zach Bates and all the wonderful ratings that will come from all these weddings. Jackson liked the wedding a lot. Johannah said NOTHING while Jackson was rhapsodizing about the wedding. NOTHING. Jim Bob thought it was special. I'm guessing that Jennifer still finds it to be bullshit., Erin is happy with her wedding—saying it is a "fairy tale wedding." Everyone is happy. They break into their trashed car. Damn, it was just a box of mothballs? They should have filled the whole car with mothballs. That was so half assed.

Blah blah blah, everyone is happy for Erin and Chad.

Next Week: Josiah's graduation and Josh and Anna hosts the Duggars and a surprise? I wish it was that Jana decided to vote democrat.

PS. Smirky Jessa smirks.